ready..

February 16th, 2011

I am ready.. I am ready for this sweet little bundle of joy to be here and change up my days.. I have random moments in the day where I think.. wow.. 9 months to grow a child?! why cant it be shorter.. why do I have to wait just to have her..  I want something that changes up my routine.. my days.. not necessarily my night.. but its the sweet and the sour.. 

which is why I think I am so ready for spring..  blooming flowers..  washing my car.. greener grass.. more visits to the family.. and this year.. a little girl.. a newborn.. I know I will cherish the newborn stage much longer than i did with Olive.. with her it was all.. next.. next.. next.. when will she sit.. when will she crawl.. when will she stand.. when will she walk.. (18.5 months later :0).. and now.. I think i will see the joy in a child that stays still.. and relies on me.. and just feeds and sleeps and wants nothing but love.. I will try to slow down time and take her all in.. 

because we have not come to the conclision of two or three children yet.. I am going into this experience knowing it may be my last.. more cuddles.. and less “are we there yets”.. yesterday I turned on Baby Story..  the show I have avoided for the last 2 years and 3 months.. because I had my own baby story experience.. and I was done watching others.. but yesterday.. I turned it on.. and watched.. and..

it was bad.. 

of course the woman on the show was having a c section.. (ahh the universe) and she had already had a tragic stillborn.. and her nerves on the show just flashed me back to my own nervousness.. in the same breath.. I had that moment where I thought to myself.. a c section is common.. this poor woman having a stillborn is tragic.. get over yourself Kacey.. but it was still really hard to watch.. at one point.. if I walked to the bathroom.. I would have successfully thrown up.. it turned my stomach.. my eyes welled with tears.. and I made myself watch the whole show for the perfect ending.. I am hanging way to much weight on this 37 week appointment.. the one where they tell me my birth plans future.. I try to no think about it at all.. but these waves comes over me.. and I cant help myself.. I will be doing something at work.. and it just stops me.. so I am trying to deal with it now.. to the best of my ability.. 

I am 26 weeks today.. and it is wild to think that Olive came in 11 weeks.. so today I will wash newborn clothes.. and put them in drawers with newly lined checkered shelf paper.. I will make a plan to get the couch out of the nursery.. and I will prepare my body with my prenatal yoga.. 

Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone..
For the times they are a-changin’

I chant this tune weekly..