these words were muttered over and over again in my head.. because it really is my own personal hell.. lying helpless on a bed.. with no feeling in my body from my chest down.. while someone has to tell me over and over again that I am in fact breathing.. is like death to me..
the choice was made.. 8:45pm.. I surrendered to the thought of a c section.. I knew I didn’t have it in me to go 12 more hours.. the doctor came in .. and was of course game for it! and literally within minutes.. my IV was hooked back up to the saline.. things were happening.. the ball was rolling.. the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me and make me sign the “death waver”.. it was probably for the best that it happened that quick.. she started to explain to me the procedure.. and I just asked her to stop.. i told her my anxiety and fears.. and i told her that this to me was torture.. with Olives birth I held it all in.. and it got me no where.. so I thought I had nothing to lose by telling this incredibly nice woman that I was sinking.. and so this woman became my safety line.. she talked about the drugs she could give me.. that wouldn’t make to sick or nauseous.. I told her I needed to remember everything.. and the thought of feeling groggy scared me.. within 10 minutes I was walking into the surgery room.. by myself.. hysterically bawling.. i couldn’t hold it in.. my C section dr looked at me with a surprised face.. I am hoping it was because he realized that I was really hoping for a different outcome.. and it wasn’t all about the “easy way out”.. they started the spinal and I just started to pray.. and ask for help to get through this.. and I asked for Barbie to look over us.. and I started bargaining my life options and things I would do better and give up if they could all just get me through this next hour.. out of the operating room and into my new room.. my new room on the 4th floor that meant I was now a C section patient.. not a happy 3rd floor vaginal patient..
and so the procedure started.. and the anesthesiologist ( i wish I could remember her name.. lets call her Pam).. and so Pam comforted me.. and talked to me until Dustin was allowed in.. she talked to me about what was going on in the room.. and where we were at.. I stared up and counted wall tiles over and over and over again.. and if I was talking out loud.. than I was alive.. and so I talked.. as though no one was in the room with me.. I talked to Barbie.. and I talked to God and I talked to Olive and our newest addition that wasn’t here yet.. when Dustin finally joined me I had a little sense of relief.. I felt more tugging this time.. more pressure.. it was a longer procedure than with Olive.. Pam took my head and lifted the little blue flap and told me to look to the right.. I was about to see my second daughter for the first time.. and there she was.. in someones arms.. naked and bloody.. and just stared at me.. and I just stared at her large body.. it was like nothing I had ever seen before.. they all gasped when she was finally weighed.. 8lbs 14 oz was her final birth weight.. I didn’t hear a lot of crying.. there was some gargles.. and she was put on her stomach because she had to much fluid gunk in her body.. and they said she just lied there.. content and mellow.. I told Dustin I wanted him over there with her.. she needed her daddy.. she needed someones familiar voice.. Pam then took my head in her hands and turned it towards them.. and told me how lucky I was that he was her daddy.. and I just saw Dustin stroking her head and whispering things into her ears that I will never know what was said.. I just started to cry..
I heard my doctor and nurses talking about how if I had labored for 12 more hours.. it wouldn’t have been good.. my scar was ok for now.. but what would more time have done.. I also heard them talk about how I would have ended up in a section anyways because of her size.. it was a comforting relief to know that I saved myself 12 hours of pain.. because once my mind mentally crossed over to the c section route.. the contractions that came were more intense.. and hard to get through.. I truly believe it was mind over matter and that point.. and once I gave up.. they were unbearable..
and then they brought my baby girl over to meet me..
and she stuck her tongue out at me.. this time was so much more different then with olive.. It took me a good month to fall head over heels with her.. but this was instant.. this was the instant love that i had heard so many mamas talk about.. but never knew what they meant by it.. this connection was insane.. I just talked to her and whispered to her.. and told her about our future plans that I had for her.. I told her that she was so loved and that we have waited for her for so long.. I felt like our family was now complete.. and I remembered how the valet boys and nurses in the hospital always said how glowing and happy I was for someone who was due in a week.. and I said to them.. I never thought I would have one baby.. and now I get two! as much as I complained in the end.. of my hip pain and back pain.. I knew how grateful I was to have these two pregnancies and babies..
Our baby girl had always been named Brixton.. there was no doubt about that.. but her middle name was up in the air.. I had ones I loved.. but I really wanted to see her face.. when i saw it for the first time.. I knew my original names just weren’t the ones.. Dustin middle family name that was passed down was George.. which we were saving for if we had a boy.. but I knew in that moment that we don’t know our fate or how many babies we will be given.. and I told him there on the table that I wanted to use it for this little one.. my babies already have my last name that they will have until/if they get married.. and so George it was..
they wheeled me out of the OR and I just looked up at Pam many times.. and told her how grateful I was that she was my anesthesiologist.. and that she was there in the room with me.. and how helpful she was.. and I couldn’t have done it without her.. she even came to stop by and see me at 5am the next morning.. and shook my hand.. and told me she just wanted to make sure I was ok.. it felt really nice..
we settled into our new room and just slept.. and enjoyed this little baby.. this content baby who let us sleep 5 full hours in a row.. it was amazing..
chocolate cake should be served at every meal after having a baby ;)
I had a mix of energy and adrenaline and anxiety surging through my body.. it was wild.. I just took more of this stay in.. I slept and ate and wasnt afraid to ask my nurses for some help.. I wanted to make this stay as enjoyable as I could.. and we had to get ready for Brixton to meet her big sister Olive..
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